I like stupid mashups. I don’t know why, but I get a kick out of coming up with silly ideas that will never turn into anything. So I’ve come up with the “7 Odd Paranormal Romance Film Ideas“.
Actually, I don’t know if all of these could be turned into romances, but I think most of them are close enough that the studio executives could probably tweak them into a romance story.
I mean, it’s pretty easy to turn anything into a romance.
Just put a random attractive young female into any story with an unlikely dorky guy whom attractive young females shouldn’t be interested in…and you have a romance. Or put a mysterious boy into a story with a sullen girl whom no one gets (because she’s so deep)…and you’ve got a romance.
Also, I meant to have “10 Paranormal Romance Movie Ideas” or whatnot, but I ran out of goofy pop thoughts to write about. If anyone ever reads this stuff, maybe someone else can complete the list.
- The Brains Trilogy – A cute new boy moves to town with his mysterious family. One special girl notices him in class. She notices how his eyes sometimes turn from a dazzling, almost neon blue to the darkest black when he gets angry. She’s fascinated by him, but he seems ambivalent about her. They grow closer, only for her to learn his secret…the cute boy and his family are brain-eating zombies.
- Underworld Hunger Games – To prove their power and majesty, the corrupt politicians in the capital force all the provinces to send a handful of their young to take place in yearly bloodsport. This might sound somewhat familiar right now, but each province is home to a different type of movie monster…vampires, werewolves, lagoon monsters, undead golems, even leprechauns. But when the cute vampire teen and the Frankensteinesque monster she pretends to love are forced to fight to the death, what happens?
- Vampire Road Trip – It’s spring break and a group of college students head to the hottest beach spot south of the border. When mysterious locals follow the guys out of Senor Frog’s one night, they suspect the Mexican drug cartels might be looking for Americans to hold for ransom. But it turns out these are Mexican vampires looking for fresh young blood from beer-soaked gringos. Luckily, that mysterious hottie the guys were lusting after earlier–you know, the one from the hotel–is actually the world’s hottest vampire hunter.
- All Hallows Eve – This ensemble piece is about a series of loosely intertwined stories about cool young witches, warlocks, vampires, and werewolves attending the biggest Hallooween party in the US…The All Hallows Eve Celebration. SEE as the woman organizing the celebration has to step out to deal with the imminent death of her warlock father. WATCH as the quirky young comic artist (a werewolf) gets trapped in an elevator with one of the backup singers at the party (herself a banshee) and develops romantic feelings. LAUGH as the hip young ghoul shows the fading beauty around Transylvania and teaches the princess-who-was how to let her hair down again. THRILL as the rich young ladies man and heir to a legacy (a vampire legacy, no less) leaves the big event to meet the mysterious woman with whom he had a such a memorable conversation with at last year’s party. But what about that mother of one (who happens to be a witch) and where does she fit into this intricate, interlocking story?
- Helldorado – A group of young urban professional vampires head to Vegas for a bachelor party, but the groom-to-be brings along his wife’s loser brother…who’s a werewolf. The Munsters meet The Hangover in the most hilarious comedy of the year.
- It’s Alive! Academy – Another year at the Frankenwarts School for Mad Science is here. That means another class of young prodigies must begin to master the arts of undead resurrection, while learning a bit about romance, friendship, and the mysterious cabal of mad scientists who want to ruin all the fun. Each new story gets just a little darker. By the time this 7 and a half chapter story ends, why, you might see blood on one of the cadavers.
- Bitchin’ – An unnoticed high school student and Supernatural tv show fan decides to become a vampire hunter one day. The student’s misadventures get posted online, he gets a love interest (the romance), then dons a goofy ninja costume and starts calling himself “Bitchin”. Bitchin starts a Twitter account so he can start taking cases. On his first real for-hire mission, he comes across a gang of werewolf drug dealers and gets captured–only to be rescued by a vampire with a revenge motive and his 11-year old daughter (whom he’s trained to be a vigilante). When the vampire dies, the hapless monster hunter and the vampire-girl team up to finish off the werewolves…or something like that.
On Second Thought
Alright, those are really bad, but are they much worse than the biggest hits we get bombarded with year by year? Add some CGI and a random member (each) of the cast of Twilight and The Hangover, and you’ve got yourself a blockbuster. Hell, get Tim Burton and his crew and you’ll have an artsy blockbuster.
Nightfall: Not a Romance
One that didn’t make the cut was a story I call “Nightfall”. In this story, a local high school girl meets a mysterious new guy in her school. At first, he seems to keep her at an arm’s length. Then he seems tormented by his growing passion for her. Then he rescues her once or twice and plays hooky from school several times. Then she meets his family and they’re described in great detail, but don’t do a whole lot.
Eventually, she comes to realize he’s a 100-year old vampire…and that he’s in love with her. She’s completely turned off by this, since that means he was dating when her great-grandmother was in high school and that’s just tons of creepy.
She asks him why the hell an ancient vampire would hang out in high school to meet girls and he tells her it’s because a small town high school where everyone knows everyone else is the perfect place to hide…that you could never hide as a face in the crowd in Seattle or something.
You know, when a teenager is seen walking around during school hours in a big city, people immediately come and take them away. That would never work.
Of course, the girl doesn’t buy any of this. She realizes the cute guy is just plain crazy and spurns his advances. That’s when the poetry and angst and glitter stops and things turn violent.
Anyway, enough brainstorming for the night. I’m gonna pop a pill and go to bed. My only hope is, in 3 to 5 years, one of these movie ideas makes it to the big screen. Even if some screenwriter lifts the idea from somebody who posted the same thought last year (or just came up with it themselves), I can always convince myself they read this blog post and turned it into the next big thing.